


I'll Think About It

by Khell



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23847373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khell/pseuds/Khell
Summary: Everyone's got bad days where they doubt themselves ...
Kudos: 8





	I'll Think About It

Tasha wiped down the fogged-over bathroom mirror and looked at herself. Nothing different about her reflection. No visible trace of those intense two days just passed. She would have thought there had to be something.  
 _Two days? Hell, make that five weeks.  
_ Things hadn't exactly been going smoothly ever since the captain had come aboard, and they had set out for Farpoint Station. Tasha briefly closed her eyes. She didn't want to do this. In fact, she hated to do this. But this was the Enterprise, Starfleet's brand-new flagship and as such she deserved the best. Tasha pushed away from the mirror and turned to get dressed. Her shift on the bridge would start in thirty minutes. But, before that, she had something else to do.

Fifteen minutes later, she stepped out of the bridge's aft turbolift. Ensign Salgado who currently manned her station gave her a surprised look – usually she didn't arrive that early. He prepared to step away so she could take over but she shook her head at him. Without stopping, she went down the ramp, registering from the corner of her eye that Data was sitting in the captain's chair and Deanna was in her usual seat next to him. She stopped in front of the ready room door and sounded the door chime. She knew they were looking at her – well, Troi would be looking at her. She must be sensing something.  
It only took a moment for the door to slide open, but to Tasha it seemed to stretch into infinity. Before she entered she took a deep breath.  
 _Let's get this over with._

Picard looked up from the report he was studying when his door chime sounded. He frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone and it couldn't be an emergency, either – Data would have contacted him directly.  
"Come!"  
The door slid open and Lt. Yar entered. She stopped before his desk and clasped her hands behind her back, standing at attention. She didn't look directly at him but straight ahead.  
"I apologize for disturbing you, sir, but I need to talk to you."  
That sounded pretty formal. Picard could hear the tension in her voice, and for a moment he thought she was going to chew him out again for beaming down to Ligon II, and into a potentially dangerous situation. That topic, of course, had been discussed at the debriefing yesterday and both her and Riker's objections had been duly noted and added to the official report of the incident – the one he'd just been reading.  
 _What else could she want?  
_ He took a moment to study her closely. The tension wasn't limited to her voice – he could see it in her stance as well. She looked like someone ready to do battle. Picard put his PADD down and folded his hands on the desk before him.  
"Please, do continue, lieutenant", he said in the same formal tone she had used.  
She hesitated for a moment and straightened. He realized that whatever she was going to say wasn't easy for her.  
"Sir, in view of recent events I believe it in the best interests of the ship and crew, if I resigned my position as head of security."  
Still not looking at him. Still ramrod straight.  
Picard remained silent, waiting for her to elaborate – which she did after a moment.  
"The Enterprise is Starfleet's best ship. She deserves the best officers,” she went on.  
The way she voiced the statement sounded as if she had rehearsed it many times over.  
"And you don't think you're the best possible choice to head security?" he asked.  
"No, sir."  
"Hm."  
The past five weeks had been tough. First the incident with the maddeningly pompous Q, then the Tsiolkovsky-virus incident, and now Ligon II and the vaccine. He wouldn't have thought, however, that Natasha Yar, of all people, would be giving up quite so easily. Surely, she had overcome greater problems in the past?  
"Please sit, lieutenant."  
He gestured at the chair before his desk and got up.  
"Tea?" he asked.  
Yar shook her head.  
"Thank you."  
She sat down hesitantly, warily, remained poised on the edge of the chair, ready to jump up and bolt – or fight? – at a moment's notice. She clasped her hands awkwardly in her lap while Picard went over to the replicator.  
"Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."  
A steaming tea cup materialized. He took it, returned to his desk and sat down again.  
"So – why do you think you're not good enough to hold your current position?"

Tasha almost laughed. Wasn't it quite obvious? He really wanted her to tell him? She stared down at her hands. She didn't dare to look up. She didn't want to see the disappointment in the Captain's eyes that would surely be there. It had been only five weeks since he had officially taken command, and already she was throwing in the towel. To him, it must look like she wasn't even willing to try to improve. The truth was, she honestly liked this ship and her crew. She'd even already started to consider some of the people here her friends, which was rare. She didn't usually make friends easily. Since she didn't know whether Picard would be willing to let her stay as a regular member of security she wanted to get this over with before she grew too attached to anyone.  
She took a deep breath.  
"During the past five weeks, I lost my temper at exactly the wrong moment and got deep-frozen", she said. "If you, or Troi, or Data had been attacked while I was out, I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it, simply because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Then I became – well, drunk under the influence of the Tsiokowsky-virus and didn't even try to resist its effect. And most recently, Ligon II."  
She quickly glanced up. Picard was calmly sipping his tea, watching her over the cup's rim. She hoped he wouldn't get this wrong.  
"First of all, Lutan should never have been able to kidnap me. I wasn't alert enough. And then, I know I was acting on your orders, sir," she added quickly, "but that doesn't change the fact that I had to kill Yareena. It doesn't matter that Dr. Crusher managed to revive her. I killed her."  
It wasn't exactly a stellar record for the one person aboard the Enterprise who was supposed to keep everyone safe. Surely, he had to understand that.  
"For these reasons, I believe someone else might be better suited and able to head the Enterprise's security department."  
She waited for the Captain to answer for what seemed like an eternity. Why didn't he say anything?

Picard took another thoughtful sip from his cup while discreetly inspecting the young woman before him. She was nervous. That was obvious, though she tried to appear otherwise. What was it that Counselor Troi had said about her, when they had been discussing all his senior officers shortly after the incident at Farpoint Station?

_"Lt. Natasha Yar."  
_ _"An interesting case."  
Troi glanced down at the information on her PADD – Yar's personal file.  
"You specifically requested her transfer to the Enterprise?" she asked.  
_ _Picard nodded.'  
_ _"I did."  
"Why?"  
_ _He leaned forward and put his folded hands on the table.  
"The first time I saw her, she was making her way through a Carnelian minefield to rescue a wounded colonist. That was when I knew she had exactly the kind of attitude, perseverance and fortitude that I was looking for to head my security department. The willingness to put someone else's safety, welfare and life before her own. Her captain didn't want to release her from duty, but fortunately for the Enterprise, he still owed me a favour."  
_ _"I see." Troi smiled and went on: "Let me play devil's advocate for a moment and point out that she's still quite young."  
_ _"Indeed. She is, but if you look at her file again you will see that she entered Starfleet Academy only four years after she was rescued from Turkana IV," Picard pointed out. "We both know that the entry exam isn't exactly easy, neither when it comes to knowledge, nor psychological requirements. She had to have worked extremely hard, during those four years, to catch up with everything she had to know for the entry exam. And she graduated among the top five of her class, which is no small feat either. She is able and ready to learn, and she has the necessary discipline to pursue a goal."  
_ _Two traits that were just as important as the first, at least in his opinion. Mistakes would happen – they were all human after all. The important thing was that they all learned from those mistakes and strove not to repeat them.  
_ _Troi put down the PADD.  
_ _"I agree with your assessment," she said. "But I would like to add a few things."  
"Please do, counselor. That's why we're having this conversation."  
_ _Troi took a few moments to gather her thoughts.  
_ _"There is no doubt that Tasha is a very strong person and personally, I consider it remarkable how far she has come and how little psychological and emotional damage she seems to have retained. Growing up on Turkana IV must have been a nightmare considering what I've heard about that place. However, I keep sensing an underlying feeling of insecurity. She's in her element when she can fight but otherwise, she's not too sure of herself. Yet."  
_ _Picard nodded. He wasn't surprised to hear this.  
_ _"The 'yet' implies that will change." he said.  
_ _"Yes. And you can help with that. She'll look to you for guidance and for approval. You're her captain, after all."  
_ _"Understood. Any other recommendations?" he asked.  
_ _Troi smiled.  
"I assume Tasha doesn't know you requested her transfer?"  
_ _"I don't believe so," Picard said. "Not unless someone else told her."  
_ _"Then, perhaps, you should tell her," Troi suggested. "When the moment's right."_

He remembered the conversation with Deanna, looking at her now. Perhaps this was the right moment.  
"If I preferred someone else for the position, I wouldn't have personally requested you", he said.  
Her head snapped up and she finally looked squarely at him, surprised and also a little shocked.  
"You – what?" she asked. "Why?"  
"Because I'm fully convinced that you're the one person best suited to fill this position," he told her matter-of-factly. "You do trust in my judgement, don't you, lieutenant?"  
"Of course, sir!"

Tasha tried to process what she had just heard.  
 _He – requested my transfer? He actually_ wanted _me here, right here, in this position … On the Enterprise?  
_ He chose her, of all people when everyone who was anyone in Starfleet had been scrambling to get posted on the Enterprise, any which way they could? Of course she, too, had dreamed of moving on to the Enterprise, but she hadn't bothered applying because she hadn't thought she would have a sliver of a chance. And then orders had arrived, telling her she was to report to McKinley asap for transfer to the Enterprise as head of security and chief tactical officer. She hadn't known whether she was dreaming – and sometimes, she still didn't. Sometimes she woke up in the morning and had to remind herself that she was aboard the Enterprise.  
"There must have been plenty of applicants for the post," she said, her eyes focused on the floor. "More qualified than me."  
Picard smiled.  
"More experienced, perhaps. But when it comes to qualifications, you'll just have to trust me when I say that I chose the most qualified person for the job."  
He took another sip from his cup.  
"Mistakes do happen, lieutenant. We're all human, and it's important to analyze those mistakes so that we understand how they happened and don't repeat them. But once what's done is done, it's just as important to move on. Don't let yourself be weighed down by the past."  
For a moment, he looked right past her as if she wasn't there, pondering something in his mind's eye. Tasha wondered what he was thinking of - possibly mistakes he had made in his past?  
Then his focus came back to her.  
"So, with all this said, do you still want to resign and have someone else take over for you as head of security?" he asked.  
Tasha didn't answer immediately. She still wasn't entirely convinced she was the right person for this position. However, Picard had requested her. He wanted her here. And with everything she had learned about him at the academy and later on, when she had looked him up again after receiving her transfer orders, he usually knew what he was doing. It stood to reason that he must also in her case. More importantly, she couldn't back down. In doing so, she'd literally be telling the world that he had been wrong, and it would reflect badly on his judgment.  
Of course, she wanted to tell him she could do this. That she would grow into the role and that it would work out. The thing was, in her heart, she wasn't sure of herself, and she certainly didn't want to lie to him. Being head of security aboard the Enterprise was a dream come true, but she couldn't possibly risk the lives of others over a dream. What if the next time she made a mistake things didn't work out as well as they had so far?

She was wavering. He could see it in her posture, in her eyes. It was clear that she still wasn't fully convinced. Picard tried to think of something to say. He didn't want to lose her as his Chief Security Officer. He wanted someone exactly like her in that position. Someone who put the safety of the ship and crew above and before their own. Someone brave enough to enter risky and life-threatening situations without hesitation. He needed just the type of person he saw in this young woman. Able and willing to learn, someone open to new experiences, someone who would not hesitate in the face of danger. He knew Natasha Yar possessed those qualities, her file was filled with such examples. Her progress through Starfleet Academy and since her graduation told quite a distinct story. He had witnessed these qualities himself during that incident with the trek through the minefield. His current dilemma … How to articulate it? More importantly, choose the right words, so that he didn't put undue pressure on her?  
He didn't get the chance to speak.  
"Sir, we are receiving a message from Starfleet Command addressed to you," Data's voice came over the com. "Admiral Williamson."  
Picard sighed. Probably about that vaccine.  
"Alright, I'll take it here."  
He turned to Yar.  
"I don't want you to answer right now, lieutenant", he told her. "But I do want you to think about whether you want to stick with your decision or not. If you still feel the same in a week, I'll consider accepting your resignation."  
She was the right person, but if she didn't feel like she could handle heading up security, he would have to look for someone else sooner or later, and he'd rather it be sooner.  
Yar nodded.  
"Thank you, sir."  
She got up and left.  
Picard turned to his computer terminal and keyed in his personal code. Admiral Williamson's face appeared on the small screen.  
"Admiral."  
He smiled but he didn't really feel it.  
"What can I do for you?"

As before, Tasha stopped outside the ready room for a moment. That had been – interesting. And it certainly had given her quite some food for thought, but she couldn't ponder it now. She straightened and strode up the ramp to Tactical. Her shift was starting and she had to focus on her job. She nodded at Salgado that she was ready to take over. He saluted and left the bridge. She was five minutes early, she noted when she checked her console. That entire conversation had only taken ten minutes. It had felt like much longer.  
From the corner of her eye she saw Data moving towards her so she straightened and turned to him.  
"Sir?"  
"Lieutenant, you are aware that, as the ships Operations Officer, I am keeping track of the crew's performance?"  
Tasha blinked.  
"Uh – yes?"  
 _Great, what have I done wrong now?  
_ "You might be interested in hearing that your department's performance has improved by 5.78 percent within the past five weeks," he went on in his usual blunt fashion.  
She barely stopped herself from telling him that she knew – she kept track of the security drills' results and she knew the statistics. Data was still looking at her expectantly. Well, if he had been human she would have called it expectantly, but since he wasn't she wasn't quite sure what he was aiming at.  
"And you mention this because …" she prompted when he didn't continue.  
"I mention this because I have run a comparison with other ships' security officers' records on startup. It is worth noting that most do not see improvements beyond 3.82 percent within a similar time period, even when they are dealing with crew who are already familiar with each other. I find this quite remarkable."  
Tasha just kept staring at him for a moment. She still didn't quite know what to do with this piece of information, or how to react to it other than with surprise. She hadn't known that her people were _that_ good.  
 _What's it with today? First the captain, now Data? Is it 'Convince Tasha to stay on the Enterprise' day or what?  
_ "You also might like to know that your approval rating with your staff is unusually high at 93.58 percent. 67.81 percent claim they like you, the other 25.77 percent pay you what humans would call 'a grudging respect' while 78.66 percent also say they –"  
"Okay, wait," Tasha cut him off.  
Data closed his mouth and waited with that innocent look on his face that she couldn't decide whether to find it endearing or infuriating.  
"What did you do?" she asked. "Poll my staff?"  
A sound to her right and below Tactical caught her attention before Data could answer. It sounded like someone trying to suppress a giggle. Tasha spun round and bent down so she was hovering over Troi.  
"Did _you_ put him up to this?"  
Troi slowly turned to her and gave her an all-too innocent look from all too big, dark eyes. Her whole posture basically screamed "Who? Me?"  
Tasha suppressed a laugh and tried to glare at her.  
"Not buying it."  
Troi didn't get to answer. At the same moment, Riker stepped out of the aft turbolift, and Picard came out of his ready room. Tasha immediately knew something had happened. She straightened.  
Picard strode across the bridge and up the ramp.  
"Commander, lieutenant, counselor …" He gestured at them in turn. "Please join me in the observation lounge."  
They all started moving at once. Tasha waited for Troi to catch up with her.  
"I'm _so_ getting you back for this," she hissed at her in a low voice.  
Troi just grinned at her.  
"You have to stay on the Enterprise to do so."  
Tasha shook her head and smiled. Well, if they were ready to go to such lengths just to keep her here, maybe she should indeed rethink her decision.


End file.
